Are you OK?

We had a death in the family this past week.  My wife’s sister, Heather, finally succumbed to a long and inspirational fight with cancer a week ago Sunday.  She lived and died well and was an example of joy and faith in all circumstances.

We have experienced a lot of deaths in the family in the past 5 or 6 years, to the point that one might characterize us as professional mourners.  Well, if not professional, at least seasoned amateurs.

While I would prefer not to be in this position, it has afforded us as a family to reflect on the experience of grief.  I was talking to one of my daughters last week in the days between Heather’s death and the funeral and she said, “Why do people keep asking me if I’m OK?  What a stupid question!”  Caring and well-meant, but stupid.   Just for the record, in the short term, the answer is “no.” 

But I too, have been in the position of encountering someone who is in the midst of grief (as a pastor the situation has occurred once or twice).  I know the desire to say something helpful or show concern to a mourning family.  I also know the awkwardness of not knowing what to say and living in uncomfortable silence.  But being the grieving party itself on more than one occasion I have some insight from the other side.

I am pretty convinced that everyone needs to tell the story of what happened around the death.  I remember when I was about 14, the father of a friend of mine died suddenly of a heart attack.  At 14 I hadn’t the vaguest clue what to say or to do but I remembered that he wanted to tell me the story – what had happened to his dad.  I had already heard the essence since we grew up in a small village.  But he still wanted to tell the story.

It is a risk to ask, “Can you tell me how it happened?” because some people will not be ready yet to do that.  It is also an intimate and private story and hard to tell, especially in the case of traumatic death.  But with trusted friends and family, I think it a question worth asking.

The value of giving people opportunity to tell the story is that our story about the death bleeds over into stories or at least remembrances about the life.  And both of those things are good for us who grieve.

Back to the question: and also for the record, in the long term, the answer is actually “yes.”