Unguarded

Some years ago when I was working for an IT company in the field of medical informatics, I was doing a system installation at a hospital in San Antonio.  Our company had contracted a third party for some of the work and there was a representative of that third party on site with me.  This rep was a man of little discretion.  Within an hour or so of meeting him and working together on servers in a datacenter, I had heard what seems to have been his full medical history and within 24 hours he shared with me the clown tattoo he has on his left pec.  I neither required nor desired any of this information.  He was ridiculously unguarded in what he shared with near strangers, to the point of being socially and professionally awkward.

We usually learn to be more guarded in our conversations, sharing some things freely, but retaining others for our more intimate circle.  This is natural and, I think, normal.  Our problems begin when we live in the extremes, either stretching the neck of our undershirt low enough to reveal our tattoo (it really happened) or being guarded in all circumstances.

It is this second error, being guarded in all circumstances, that intrigues me, perhaps because it is that to which I am more prone.  Guardedness is an isolating habit. And there are times and places where it is simply not needed.  Last week I was talking to a couple of very good friends at my kitchen table, telling them a little about my sister-in-law’s funeral a week or so ago.  In the midst of the conversation I felt the tightening in my throat and the sting of heat in my eyes – which I quickly mastered, because I am guarded.  But where, I ask, is it safer, or more appropriate, to show one’s heart than in the presence of good friends.

The problem with being guarded all the time is that you start being incapable of being unguarded when you should.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before him;

God is a refuge for us.   - Psalm 62:8

The psalmist urges us to pour out our heart before God, to trust in him, because he is our refuge.  But how can we pour out our heart if, due to the habit of guardedness, we no longer know our own heart.  In our heart we hold our griefs and sorrows, but also our dreams, hopes and aspirations.  Being too reticent in communicating these things to others, can leave us impaired in our ability to yield them even to God.

And the picture or phrase is vivid – a pour out, an emptying of the contents of our heart before God.  It is a bold thing to do -  extravagant, even.  When is the last time you emptied your heart before God?  Or were frank with him about your disappointments or even about your real hopes and dreams?

We must know our heart, before we can pour it out before God.  C.S. Lewis says something like this in his novel, Till We Have Faces: “How can they (the gods) see us face to face till we have faces?”

The problem of being unguarded in all circumstances is obvious to most; the infirmity of being guarded in all, less so.  Dare to dream, to hope, to laugh, to cry before God.  Pour out your heart to him – he is a refuge for us.